I Want to be Like Mike
Wake up in the mornings with blurry vision; search for the high powered daily contacts located on the dresser; make sure to eat at least three bowls of cereal for breakfast, but not raisin bran because that is too healthy; pretend that your dog can actually see who you are; when shopping for clothes make sure that you go to the Big and REALLY Tall store; if you wear shoes that match the rest of your outfit you’re doing something wrong; speaking of shoes, size 14 is not nearly big enough you need to buy size 15; don’t get new and fancy cell phones, keep the old and more ghetto kind; watch out for street signs and low branches when walking outside; you must be able to deal with having kinky hair; don’t comb your hair; brush your teeth while singing rap songs in your head, preferably Tupac and Biggy Smalls; put on Dove deodorant to bring out your feminine side; do 10 wait no, do 15 push ups when you wake up and when you go to bed to build up your chest; this is how you should put in and take out your contacts in the morning; make sure the contact lenses are not in sideways or inside out; don’t comb your hair; you must look like every other male member of your family, even distant cousins and uncles; peanut butter and fluff is a necessity before every basketball game you play in; having legible handwriting is a big no-no; don’t go through puberty until freshman year of high school; both knees and ankles must have braces on them for all sporting events; for your 16th birthday a pool lesson from a professional is the only appropriate gift; when you dunk in a game, you must fall on your back and elbow; drawing comparisons to Mr. Goodman should come as no surprise to you; don’t comb your hair, ever; Atlanta, Georgia is like a second home; if you get a call from Coach Zimmerman once a day do not stress out; this is how you block every shot; this is how you dribble the ball off your foot when bringing it up the court; making up funny nicknames for people is a hobby and a skill; who said that playing games during class isn’t right?; scream and pump your fists after every made shot or foul shot; use your inhaler at least 6 times a day, 7 to be safe; grow a Jew fro from 5th grade on; getting hearing aids would not be the worst thing to do; your head should be compared to a peanut on a regular basis; this is how much you should grow every day; your bed time is no later than 9:30; while sleeping, grind your teeth enough so that your mom has to take you to the doctor; don’t comb your hair; migraines will occur at least two or three times a week; when shopping for a car, make sure you can fit!; HE’S ALL COUNTY!; drink up to 5 protein shakes a day, you will never gain any weight; don’t be surprised to get some “He’s on steroids” or “Slim Jim” chants during basketball games; any Halloween costume involving tights is successful; once you go black you never go back; riding a bike really hurt in a bad place; why would you make two foul shots to end the game? Wolfin will come through; growing facial hair takes as long as digging a hole to China; electric razors or tweezers will do for the peach fuzz; who said crying during the Notebook wasn’t manly?; this is how you dance like a true playa; DO NOT COMB YOUR HAIR; as lame as it may sound, your GPA should be over a 4.0; after going to the bathroom, you have to take some pictures!; although basketball camp sounds fun, it is the exact opposite; playing practical jokes and acting mischievous comes naturally; when your parents are in the city for dinner at least 25 people should be at your house; there is no need to wash your face because no one can see that high anyways; eating three meals a day is absolutely unacceptable; magnets near your nose will never turn out good; this is how you do the “Shoulda Leannnnn”; the way girls look means nothing; family dinners happen every weekend of every week; no matter what you do, “just live ya life.”
